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About this blog:
This is the place for the real Mark Latham; the Mark Latham who toiled his clacker off in grinding poverty to become dux of his school; the Mark Latham who built his own ladder of opportunity, then scaled it himself with buggerall help from anybody else (er, except full-on legend and mentor Gough Whitlam - Dad, I love ya!); the Mark Latham who is mad as hell, and isn't gonna take it anymore - particularly from the Yanks and their pop-cultural, celluloid imperialism!
So, to all my readers from all over the joint: If you want to know the watered-down, official, media-friendly "Latham Lite" then watch me on the box, read about me in the press, go to the ALP website, etc. But if you want to know what I'm really thinking and feeling then keep coming back here, alright?
And please give a few bob if you can spare it. (It's for the ducks, not me.)
Chicks are forever hurling themselves at me (did you know Rachel Ward has a shrine to me in her bedroom?). But if you're not so lucky with the opposite sex, you might want to have a squizz at the sites below. For every sign-up, an orphaned duck finds a new home.
Here are some other sites you might want to have a perve at:
Lest any Tory bastard say that because I'm a socialist I'm entirely against earning a few extra bob, here's a link to the world's largest online classified ad service.
Below is a Seppo outfit. (But it's not bad, apparently.)
Click here to buy posters!
(You never know. They might even have one of me!)
Are you majorly shat off about something? Chockas with existential angst? Or do you just want to talk to someone you know cares big time? Then send your "Dear Mark" letter to: arselicker-kicker at loveable.com (Donations are not mandatory, but they are appreciated.)
 Web Hosting & Domain Registration |
Remember that duck guy I was telling you about? Yeah, well, he's asked me to put a list of traffic exchanges up on my blog.
The bloke's a bit of a dipstick, but considering all the good work he's done for my beaky brothers, I said yes.
Here they are:
Traffic Swarm
Web Biz Insider
Clicks Matrix
Traffic Project
Clickin' Fingers
Pro Hits Plus
Stock Traffic
Funny Farm Traffic
Hit Safari
Traffic Roundup
Weblog Directory - Directory of blogs from all around the world.
Click here to make money doing online surveys!
| Feathers fly |
| 11.30.04 (6:54 pm) [edit] |
This turkey Piers Clackerman - who has been called a penguin in the past (by Mike Carlton, if I remember correctly) - has outdone himself with this latest squawk: The federal ALP has now made itself the target for a raft of political birdwatchers. These twitchers have their binoculars scanning for sightings of the lame ducks, dead parrots and, of course, roosters, which make up the ALP aviary. Piers, mate, even though it's crap, I'll still rate your little effort there as the ne-plus fucking ultra of avian-themed sprays at yours truly thus far. And feel free to invent more. Go crazy, and see if you can top yourself with your next rant. (Even better, why not just top yourself full stop?) But if you do go spacko with the bird-words again, mate, I'll say one thing: lay off the ducks, alright! Poor little buggers deserve better than to be used as symbols of political ineffectuality. I mean, fuck! As if they don't have it tough enough already. |
| Rooster eats crow |
| 11.28.04 (12:48 am) [edit] |
|
Well I'll be! That leaky little dipstick Stephen Conroy has decided to pre-empt my planned dressing down with a bit of weekend grovelling. Bummer. I was quite looking forward to that chance to reassert my leadership. (And I'm a tad shat off that he wrongfooted me, to be honest.) I'll have to be quicker off the mark next time. I tell you, if any of the backbenchers decide to do a Conroy and start white-anting my leadership down the track, then I'm going to forgive the pricks before they get a chance to apologize. That will really fuck with their heads won't it? Fair dinkum, they won't know what hit them. |
| Burning too much midnight oil? |
| 11.27.04 (6:23 pm) [edit] |
|
Everyone's banging on about how I'm a liability for Labor. But what about Peter Garrett? Bloody wuss expires in the surf at Maroubra, doesn't he! Ever since I was convinced to recruit this poncy celeb by my advisors (most of whom have pissed off by now, the gutless pricks!) I had major misgivings. I tell you, I'm going to have a word with him on Monday - just like I plan to do with that white-anting rooster Stephen Conroy. I'll say, Pete, mate, you've got to learn that in politics, unconsciousness is death. And if he passes out again I'll deck the cunt. |
| I'm here to stay! |
| 11.25.04 (5:40 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, I'm getting majorly shat off with all these predictions about my imminent political demise. Like, here, Michael Costello (who I'm sure shares the bastard genes of his knobheaded namesake) attempts a bit of Pythonesque whackiness with a piece describing yours truly as a dead parrot. Memo to Mike: Mate, I'm the funny cunt. I'll do the gags, alright? (Also it's pretty ironic that you're calling me a deceased bird considering your a bloody rooster. And you're parroting the sketch...) But anyway, the rant is far-out fucking bizarre, fair dinkum. Take this bit: And it has emerged from careful analysis of public and private polling that Latham seems to have a politically terminal problem with women, who simply find him scary. How wrong is that? What about all that gushing from arty babes like Rachel Ward and Toni Collette? If focus group research shows that sheilas find me "scary" there's a perfectly rational explanation: They're just struggling with their own libidistical desires. The mere mention of my name makes them hot and bothered big time, but they don't dare admit it in public. So they end up getting all trembly and that. Remember Jennifer Hawkins and her slip up? (See "Skirt", here.) It's like that - but on a pan-national scale. The rant includes a shitload of other crap which I won't bother responding to. But to his basic charge that I am a liability I'll say this: If my character had anything to do with our loss, it's only because the public didn't get to know the real me. Give it time, and Aussies will realise I'm a real fun guy with an infectious personality. I'll grow on them, and get right under their skin eventually. Just you wait and see... |
| Me sexist? - Mark Two |
| 11.21.04 (5:00 am) [edit] |
|
Mate, people think that I' ve had an easy run with the press. But that's a crock, fair dinkum. Like, they're always white-anting me. Accusing me of sexism, and that. Just because I called some hack a "skanky ho" and played a vid called Freaks of Nature at a Paki-nosh knees-up for my in-laws I'm supposed to be some sort of throwback to another era. Well, steal a squizz at this little article. In particular this bit: The Prime Minister said in Chile yesterday that if the Opposition Leader wanted to demonstrate "the warmth of his embrace", the first test was the unfair dismissal legislation. "If it's not a warm embrace, he won't win the girl," he said. Mate, if that's not a phallocentric fucking image I'm the Arselicker's arse, fair dinkum. So why aren't you arcing up about that then? You scum-sucking, mud-fucking hacks, you. |
| Me sexist? |
| 11.15.04 (4:30 pm) [edit] |
|
Now that the new Speaker's been chosen, isn't it interesting that this hack would mention that I called Bronwyn Bishop "Scary Spice" a few days ago? (Rupert's rotties: yapping about the past, as usual.) And there'd be no doubt that Tories would take it as more evidence that I'm a sexist prick. But actually I was being most restrained - almost complimentary - with that appellation. I really wanted to call her "The Galloping Gorgon", 'cause she's a dead ringer for Medusa, mate, and she eats boiled bloke for brekky! (Actually, on second thoughts, she's too scary to be a gorgon. Gorgon's have got snakes for hair right? Yeah, well, Bronny's serpents would be packing death to know they'd ended up on a bonce as fugly as hers. They'd all slither away quick smart, sure as shit!) So, you can imagine what she does for trouser snakes. Ugh. Just thinking about her gives me a giant soft-on, fair dinkum. |
| Sheilas and the law |
| 11.14.04 (4:04 pm) [edit] |
|
Here we go. Miranda Devine-Inspiration arcs up about the fact that Karen Ellis didn't get four years in deep lock for shagging her student. Mate, this chick needs some serious attitudinal reconstruction. (Devine, that is. Not Ellis.) Like I was yacking to some of the feminist sheilas in the party about this and they summed up the situation (or "paradigm" as they put it) pretty bloody well: Like, the whole legal system is dominated by Tory blokes ("the patriarchy") and they all hate sheilas, big time. Since chicks have been oppressed by these misogynist cunts for yonks, it's time they were cut a bit of slack. Hence the seemingly leniant sentencing of babes you see so often. And anyway, sheilas are incapable of doing anything wrong - even when they do. (Unless they are conservative. Because then they are in league with the patriarchy.) Yep, it's a shit-hot argument as far as I'm concerned. So, this Ellis chick got a fair sentence. I mean the stress of the trial was punishment enough, wasn't it? You know what women are like. Can't handle pressure. And let's face it, the whole thing's pretty sad, don't you reckon? I mean, it's a bloody tragedy she's a rock spider, because she's a total hornbag, fair dinkum. (I tell you, if she ever wants to do her hundred hours of community service - or whatever her punishment is - then she can do it at my office. Then she wouldn't just be getting a "slap on the wrist" but some "slap and tickle" as well! Only problem is, I might have to dress up as a school-boy to catch her eye.) |
| "Gravitas" |
| 11.07.04 (5:08 pm) [edit] |
|
Mate, these hacks. Fuck but they shit me. They're still wheeling out the old line that I'm a liability who blew the election for Labor. And that I am in "denial". Piss off peckerheads! I AM NOT IN DENIAL, OKAY? If anything they are in denial; denial that Howard nicked the gig off me with his plethora of porkies. They reckon that I'm unofficially "on notice" and that I'm history unless I prove I have "gravitas". Mate, "gravitas" is my middle name. Fair dinkum, I've got shitloads of the stuff. So have my fists - which some of them might be introduced to before long... As will a poncy prick called Sir David Smith. He was the skulking little sook who announced Dad's bastard dismissal all those years ago. Now he's found a bit of time between handkerchief waving lessons to have a white-anting whinge about The Great Man. Typical Tory - always thinking about the past. Dad and I never do that. |
| Something whiffy |
| 11.04.04 (4:32 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, are those Seppos a suss bunch or what? Like, US ambassador Tom Schieffer just recently recommended that I lob in Washington to rub shoulders with the big wigs there. Struck me as suss, since I knew the prick didn't like me (because of my uncompromising comments before). I thought maybe he was setting me up. You know, hoping I'd lob there so that all his mates could give me the cold shoulder. So I'd be stuck in some hotel room twiddling my thumbs and perving at cable. And they'd all be puffing cigars and having a good old cack at my expense. Or, if he wasn't being a sly prick, he was just quacking on for the sake of it. You know like saying at some bash, "Yeah, let's do lunch! Your people will get in touch with my people... Rah, rah, rah..." You know, all that shit. Then a couple of days later he fucking quits doesn't he? Yep. He's a shifty prick alright - or full of it at best. Typical Seppo. |
| Abortions |
| 11.02.04 (5:18 pm) [edit] |
|
Not so long ago I was quacking on to some of my top mates in the Labor party. We were having a bit of a growl about what a pack of poncy poofterheads the Liberal Party is. Using my finely honed sense of yuckestrian irony I quipped: "Those wankers Pyne and Abbott. They're the worst. Couple of fucking abortions, they are!" Pisser, eh? Like, I was joking then, but now, I kind of wish they were just that. I mean, the way these guys are pushing the abortion envelope (or should I say, afterbirth?). It's fucking dangerous. Mate if only we'd had a pro-choice law in place back before these roosters had seen the light of day. Their mums-to-be would have said "no fetus will defeat us!" and they would both have been sucked out pronto and sploshed in the bottom of a bloody great bucket. Yeah, if only they'd been terminated; terminated with extreme prejudice. Then the chicks of Australia would be fuckwads better off now, that's for sure. |
| Kerry versus Bush |
| 11.02.04 (4:52 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, I'm starting to get mighty shat off with all this bloody commentary and punditry in the Oz media about the US elections. What are we, the fifty first state of America? Quite frankly I don't give a tinker's who wins. I mean, they're both bloody Seppos. What's the diff? |