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About this blog:
This is the place for the real Mark Latham; the Mark Latham who toiled his clacker off in grinding poverty to become dux of his school; the Mark Latham who built his own ladder of opportunity, then scaled it himself with buggerall help from anybody else (er, except full-on legend and mentor Gough Whitlam - Dad, I love ya!); the Mark Latham who is mad as hell, and isn't gonna take it anymore - particularly from the Yanks and their pop-cultural, celluloid imperialism!
So, to all my readers from all over the joint: If you want to know the watered-down, official, media-friendly "Latham Lite" then watch me on the box, read about me in the press, go to the ALP website, etc. But if you want to know what I'm really thinking and feeling then keep coming back here, alright?
And please give a few bob if you can spare it. (It's for the ducks, not me.)
Chicks are forever hurling themselves at me (did you know Rachel Ward has a shrine to me in her bedroom?). But if you're not so lucky with the opposite sex, you might want to have a squizz at the sites below. For every sign-up, an orphaned duck finds a new home.
Here are some other sites you might want to have a perve at:
Lest any Tory bastard say that because I'm a socialist I'm entirely against earning a few extra bob, here's a link to the world's largest online classified ad service.
Below is a Seppo outfit. (But it's not bad, apparently.)
Click here to buy posters!
(You never know. They might even have one of me!)
Are you majorly shat off about something? Chockas with existential angst? Or do you just want to talk to someone you know cares big time? Then send your "Dear Mark" letter to: arselicker-kicker at loveable.com (Donations are not mandatory, but they are appreciated.)
 Web Hosting & Domain Registration |
Remember that duck guy I was telling you about? Yeah, well, he's asked me to put a list of traffic exchanges up on my blog.
The bloke's a bit of a dipstick, but considering all the good work he's done for my beaky brothers, I said yes.
Here they are:
Traffic Swarm
Web Biz Insider
Clicks Matrix
Traffic Project
Clickin' Fingers
Pro Hits Plus
Stock Traffic
Funny Farm Traffic
Hit Safari
Traffic Roundup
Weblog Directory - Directory of blogs from all around the world.
Click here to make money doing online surveys!
| It's time - again! |
| 01.31.04 (7:28 pm) [edit] |
|
G'day, g'day. I'm a bloody jolly prick today. Ho, ho, fucking-ho, that's what I say! See, the hacks are starting to figure out what I've been saying for yonks: I'm a smart, energetic bastard with a shit-load to offer, and heaps of years ahead of me. The Arselicker's sage-like appeal is starting to wear thin. The people want some new blood. And I'm it! Here, Michelle Grattan says, "Latham rocks!". Well, of course. It's exactly what I wrote a few weeks back on this very blog! (See "Complex bastard" post.) And speaking of rock: Mick Jagger put it best when he sang "Time Is On Our Side". And speaking of time. Well, it is, isn't it? |
| Bloody Victorians |
| 01.30.04 (3:13 am) [edit] |
|
Couple of posts back I sledged the Vics as hicks. Here's a bit more evidence of that. Fuck. Citizens of this bonzer country, and they don't even know who I am! Disgraceful. (Of course, the Arselicker would blame public education for the interviewees' ignorance. But I reckon his crowd's responsible because they clearly all went to Geelong Grammar.) |
| "Sloppy" my arse! |
| 01.30.04 (2:46 am) [edit] |
|
So the Arselicker reckons my speech was "sloppy, sloppy", eh? Well, now he's got me stroppy, stroppy. I tell you, he'd better watch himself at Question Time. I might just walk over and punch him a few times so that ugly mug of his gets all blood-soaked and soppy, soppy! |
| Speech balls-up |
| 01.29.04 (5:04 am) [edit] |
|
This is going to be all over the papers for the next few days, so I might as well tell you this now: Though I did kick major freckle with my opening speech, some dolt left all records of the writing and editing of it contained within the bloody document! Go here and you'll see what I mean. No doubt every member of the conga line is going to have a kick at me for it, but I'll weather the storm - you watch. Sure, the whole speechwriting process was a bit of a clusterfuck, but at least it shows that I do actually value the input of my peers - unlike the Arselicker, who just tells his poncing, prancing, preening little nancy boy lapdogs what to yelp the next day, then hurls them in the sin-bin if they disobey. In any case, it's a relief to sit down and blog. It's here - and only here - that I can express my bloody thoughts, and my bloody thoughts alone! |
| Chunkiness-socialism correlation |
| 01.27.04 (10:06 pm) [edit] |
|
Being a lifelong Labor Party member, and now its esteemed, dear leader, I've observed lefties of varying levels of zealousness for bloody yonks. And I've noticed something: the more socialistic they are, the more excess flab they tend to carry. It's like this golden rule, and is particularly applicable to the sheilas. I mean look at them: Carmen, Jenny Mackas, Jennie George, and Sharan Burrow. All leftie heavyweights, in both senses of the word. (By the way, I mean no disparagement by this. They're all damn handsome sheilas and I wouldn't kick any of them out of bed.) Still, it's got me utterly fucking perplexed - kind of like the blocked nose-Victorian Premier phenomenon, mentioned below. And I keep asking myself: But why? I'll apply my powerful intellect to this question over the next few days and see if I can come up with a solution. |
| Finally! |
| 01.27.04 (4:20 pm) [edit] |
|
Finally, a bloody hack writes some sense about me. Got it in one, Dave. I am a complex bastard with a shitload of bonzer new ideas - no doubt about it! |
| Not so marvellous Melbourne |
| 01.27.04 (5:36 am) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, much as I love this bonzer nation and its shit-hot people I really can't stand the Victorians. They're so up-their-own-clackers, always looking down their noses at us Sydney-siders. It's bloody ironic really, since we're the ones above them on the map! And speaking of proboscii: Why is it that Victorians always choose a bloke with a permanently blocked nose to be Premier? Geoff Kennett and now Steve Bracks both sound like they're always harbouring at least one ginormous booger in their capacious snouts! Is it the cold, miserable weather? Or is it because they were both born with silver spoons up their honkers? Who knows - and who bloody cares for that matter! So I think you can understand why I was so shat off to have to rearrange my shedule to please a Victorian radio announcer, and then have the whole frustrating episode rehashed by some bloody bumpkin on the net. I'd much rather yack to a New South Welshman (or woman). The great sprawling conurbation of Sydney - in particular its western suburbs - really is the roiling, boiling, blood-red-heart-of-Oz. (And of course Lawsie's got the biggest audience of battlers by far. That is a minor factor, I have to admit.) |
| Mad Yanks! |
| 01.27.04 (12:33 am) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, some of the people who post comments here are total fucksticks. And some are even worse: total fucksticks tragically influenced by American popular culture. Look at the post below, would you? One "Sheik Habib" writes: Wait 'till me and the Labemba boyz get hold of youse. "Labemba"? What, is that like La Bamba? "Boyz"? As in Boyz In The Hood I presume. Looks like the Lebs of Western Sydney have been so brainwashed by Yank cinema that they've become bloody quasi-Latino hip-hop hybrids. Fucking unbelievable! And yet another reason to keep our treasured Aussie film and TV quota system intact. |
| Fit parent |
| 01.26.04 (4:15 pm) [edit] |
|
Many of the more vicious hacks out there are scoffing at my push to get parents to control their kids better. "How can he lecture others on being a good role model?" they ask. "He's not a fit parent himself!" Yeah, well I am. Extremely fit, as a matter of fact. Even though I had a belly full of booze and curry that night I still managed to outrun that shifty little cabbie and bring him to the ground! And re that: contrary to what my enemies say, when I tackled that bastard and recovered my property, I was setting an extremely good parental example. The lesson: Work hard, sprogs. Climb that ladder of opportunity. Earn your bucks fair and square - like I have done, with absolutely no help from anybody else - and you are entitled to fight for what's yours! What the fuck's wrong with that? |
| Bob takes the bait! |
| 01.24.04 (4:37 am) [edit] |
|
I knew my little asylum seeker ploy was always going to be risky, but I knew it could pay dividends, too. And lo and behold, it bloody-well did! One of the things I was hoping for was that Bob Brown would arc up about it. Why? Because the loony left is so whiffy these days that one of the best ways to get the battlers on side is to get the Greenies off it. He's done just what I hoped he would: said I was appeasing the bloody Hansonites. But if he or anyone else claims lack of compassion, I can say: "But I want the refugee claims processed quicker. How can you say that's not compassionate?" Message to the (as yet) undecided voters: Latham's hard-headed, but not hard-hearted! Who better to run the country? Am I a clever prick or what? I tell you, the Arselicker should start looking for a cheap removalist - and a bloody good carpet cleaner! When I move into his office I want it spick and fucking span, alright? |
| "Evil" |
| 01.23.04 (8:01 pm) [edit] |
| I know Carmen and Company (or should I say Community!) are going to be majorly shat off with my use of the word "evil" to describe people smugglers. But I figured it was worth lobbing it in there to keep the battlers on side. |
| Satire sites |
| 01.22.04 (4:43 pm) [edit] |
|
For some reason I keep getting e-mails and messages from Aussie satire site webmasters, saying they love the site and "can you send us a link?", etc. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're a top read. And I'm all for preserving our bloody larrikin culture in the face of the Yank onslaught. But why are they always coming to me for support? Fuck knows. |
| The duck guy |
| 01.21.04 (5:59 pm) [edit] |
|
As regular readers would well be aware, I am a passionate champion of the rights of that much-mocked, much-maligned species of waterbird, the duck. You would also know that I asked you to help its cause by slinging some bucks to a bloke who runs a charity for homeless ducks. (To those who have donated: thanks heaps, by the way!) But re that: I didn't know much about this bloke or his credentials until recently. See, a few weeks back he e-mailed me and introduced himself as a fellow tBlog blogger (and Aussie) who'd just stumbled upon my blog via the home page. He said he really loved the blog, and that he was deeply moved by my first post about my affection for ducks. So I called him back, we got yacking and he told me about his charity and asked me to whop his Paypal button on my site. I said no probs and thought nothing more of it. Anyway, recently I've had a few e-mails from other bloggers - and the odd party member - who told me that this bloke is a bloody Liberal voter! So I Googled to his homepage. Then to his blog. Its contents really put the wind up me. Look at the recent post sledging Robyn Nevin ("More squawking in Artsville"). Fuck! He even had a go at Dad! So I called him back just a few minutes ago and quizzed him on his allegiances. He dithered and dathered about it, and said "What's that got to do with ducks? And anyway, it's possible to be on opposite sides of the political fence on many issues, but agree on one or more. I mean, you're a complex bastard. So am I, in my own way." I said, "Yeah, I suppose. But something still tells me you might just be having a lend of me." Then he had a bit of a cack, and said, "No, you needn't worry. I'm a socialist. I mean, I'm an arty wanker, right? They're all lefties, aren't they? Goes with the territory." "Yeah," I said. Though I still wasn't quite convinced. "So why all the vicious attacks on lefties, greenies and feminists on your blog?" "You're taking it the wrong way. I'm being ironic." Then the penny dropped. Of course! Bloody irony. I had a re-squizz at his blog and saw it in a completely different way. He was just parodying the style and content of those dumb Tory fucksticks (RWDBs, they call themselves). It was his way of saying, "Fuck you John Howard! Fuck you skanky 'ho! Fuck you Dubya! Fuck the lot of ya!" Really, I should have known. It's just that I've been in Canberra too long. I'm surrounded by these bloody tightarses who have no humour, no bloody irony, no self-deprecation, and it rubs off. I've been taking things a tad too bloody literally, that's for sure! So, readers, don't worry. The bloke's alright. Your money is safe, and the ducks will thank you for it. |
| Emergency tactics! |
| 01.21.04 (4:55 pm) [edit] |
|
Good to see the hacks at The Hun telling the good folk of Melbourne about our plans to improve service at Maroondah Hospital. Being in a Liberal seat, the joint's understaffed and the poor docs and nurses are run off their clackers! I hope and pray that until we win there, the influx of injured is manageable. Although to be honest I'd love to put one of its residents on a stretcher - then cack myself while he whinged about the delay in getting treatment! Bloody ponce. |
| Chicks in battle |
| 01.20.04 (6:11 pm) [edit] |
|
I've got to say I've been dreading having to deal with this whole issue. But if you look here, I think you'll agree that I handled it alright. Pretty diplomatic, don't you reckon? To be honest, I'm not at all concerned about what the hacks, the conga line, or even the top brass have to say about my position on the matter. I'm just worried that I may have provoked another tongue-lashing from Carmen! She sees absolutely anything to do with sheilas as her turf - and hers alone. And she's so bloody unpredictable. I mean, will she reckon that saying chicks shouldn't fight is sexist because it assumes they're not strong enough; or bloody feminist because it assumes that they are morally above committing violence? Or will she say that we should just have no troops, male or female, because she's a pacifist? Fuck, I don't know! Anyway, I'm prepared. Got my jogging shoes on. If she walks up to me with that look in her eyes, I'll be like the road runner and get the hell out of there: "Sorry, Carmen. Gotta go. Have to check out the Institute of Sport. Meep! Meep!" |
| Can't please anybody! |
| 01.19.04 (3:59 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, this is no easy gig, I can tell you. I cop heaps of abuse from the Arselicker and his crowd (and the bloody hacks, of course). That's to be expected. But I get as much from the lefties in my own camp as well. I feel like a bloody UN peace-keeper: always getting shot at from both sides! Like, when I said let's keep mandatory detention, just speed it up - definitely a savvy move electorally - Carmen arcs up about it! Same with the ID card proposal for illegal immigrants. She came up to me afterwards and said it was "Orwellian" and "racist". I said, "But most of these freeloaders are bloody backpackers. You know, from Western Europe: Krauts and Frogs. And they're nicking jobs from people coming legally from joints like South Korea, or Turkey. Isn't it racist to not nab the skip bastards?" She considered this for a moment in that very efficient, controlled, Carmenesque manner she has, then snapped: "No, Mark. You're wrong. South Korea and Turkey were part of the Coalition of the Willing. The war on Iraq was a racist war. Therefore, invoking the rights of those citizens is to condone racism. "Germany and France, however, didn't want to be part of it - correctly, and humanely. Therefore they were against racism. To condemn them (and in such a racist way) is to condone racism yet again (and twice over). You should be ashamed of yourself, Mark!" Considering what she'd said to me before (and what she'd written about it) I said, "Aren't you being a bit obsessed? You can't extrapolate everything back to race, and bloody war. And anyway, when you look at it Dubya's a reckless tosser, that's for sure. But I'd rather be his mate than bloody Saddam Hussein's. At least America is a democracy." This just made her even more shat off! And she said, "Wrong, twice over, yet again. One: America isn't a democracy. Two, Iraq will never be one either. Arabs just can't do democracy. Why does America try to force its democracy on them?" I said, "But you just contradicted yourself!" Then she burst into tears and cried, "You just don't get it, do you?" Then she stormed off! Bloody (Labor) women! Can't live with 'em; can't live without 'em! |
| Re: Disclaimer |
| 01.12.04 (3:55 pm) [edit] |
|
G'day readers. I'm still a tad torn about whether I should have this little warning button up. Although I've gotta say I am tending towards keeping it. See, if you look at the comments below, you'll see one from a Polish chick called Paulla who basically says, "No probs, Mark. I can hack the language." Well, I told Carmen Lawrence about it and she said that was no reason to remove the button, citing that Poland - being a country in which feminism was very late to develop - was still in the "thrall of a brutal, patriarchal culture". This poor young woman was obviously "participating in her own oppression" by asking for no special consideration. I was still trying to get my head around this when she added that Poland was also one of the few countries to support Dubya's war on "terror". I said so was Australia. "Exactly my point!" huffed Ms Lawrence. "So, obviously becoming a pacifist isn't just good for humanity, it also empowers women. And you as Labor's leader have a duty to promote this!" I kind of got her point. But I was worried about something. When she said pacifism was "good for humanity, and also empowered women", did she mean that women were not part of humanity? So I asked her this. And she just shook her head and snapped, "Typcial sexist male. Always de-gendering the role!" And then she strode off in a bloody huff! Anyway, I had a long think about this, and asked quite a few of the other sheilas around the joint about the Poland-Oz similarity, and whether feminism is the answer to peace on earth for both people and women. They all concurred. I eventually concluded Carmen was probably correct on this. So I decided to retain the disclaimer on my blog, and began promoting a more Carmenesque agenda during Question Time. (The hacks reported it, as a matter of fact.) Still, I've got to say I'm a bit bamboozled by the whole episode... |
| Disclaimer |
| 01.08.04 (4:05 am) [edit] |
|
Look, I didn't really want to put that little sign out the front of my blog. I mean, if you're a nancy boy who can't handle a bit of colourful language, then what the fuck are you doing in the bloody Blogosphere? But the reason I did was because Carmen's been reading my blog lately (she's one fo the few pollies who knows about it, actually). She said she enjoys it, but it's just a bit too "masculinist" for its own good. She reckons there are a lot of chicks out there who would really get into it, but are turned off by the "testosterone-charged" tone and "phallocentric" language. I said, "Carmen. I appreciate where you're coming from. But I'm not censoring my thoughts for anybody. This joint is sacro-fucking-sanct, okay?" She said that I should at least put up some kind of warning about its content. I had a bit of a think about it and eventually acquiesced. So, there was a bit of compromise; mediation. Bob Hawke might have called it "reaching consensus". Whatever. In the interests of achieving greater Labor unity I think it's a pretty small price to pay. |
| Me and Howard Dean? |
| 01.07.04 (5:09 pm) [edit] |
I hate being compared to anyone, since I'm such a bloody one-off (and damn proud of it!); but when I'm compared to a bloody Seppo, well that takes the cake, I can tell you. Like, here's Peter Botsman in The Oz drawing parallels between me and that pasty Yank wuss Howard Dean: Each man has demonstrated a capacity to put his foot in his mouth, and yet recover from gaffes that might be fatal to other politicians. Can you believe this shit? (And, like, when did I ever put my foot in my mouth?) Hey Pete! Keep it up and I'll put my foot in your fucking mouth, mate! |
| Re: Money for ducks |
| 01.07.04 (4:02 pm) [edit] |
|
If anyone thinks that my push to save the ducks is some kind of silly cause; or that hatred of the cute, harmless birds is not a major problem, then have a look at the comment boxes (from Sunday's post) below. Can you believe those bastards? Their cruelty just buggers belief! Those words cut deep, I tell you. I sooked up for hours. But then I swallowed my tears. And my resolve to champion the ducks' cause came back stronger than ever. Like all true believers I can still see that light on the hill for my people, and a light in the marsh for my ducks! We must combat this duck-loathing. It's bloody everywhere, you know. The very fact that I mention my passion for ducks at every press conference and interview I give, but it's never once been published or broadcast shows just how deeply entrenched the prejudice is. I mean, it's even in fucking folklore! Take that story about the fugly duckling. Like, when he's a sprog all the other waterbirds think he looks like a hatful of arseholes. But then when he actually turns out to be a swan, well that's okay. Then he's really handsome. Then he's really cool. But why can't the little fella just go from being a duckling to being an adult duck. Why isn't just being a duck good enough? What the hell is wrong with ducks? I see parallels with my own career. I mean, I'm like a duck. And I like being a duck. In fact I'm very proud to be a duck. I am what I am, after all. But to make it in the big pond (or the "big school" as the Arselicker calls it) I have to pretend to be a bloody swan. But I'm a duck! FUCK! |
| Nancy boys' news |
| 01.07.04 (3:41 am) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, it really cracks me up just how how far back in the past (and how far up their own clackers) these bloody hacks are! Here's Lynden Barber spilling more bull-twang about yours truly - in a summary of cinema's best opening scenes, of all things! The screen is taken up by an enormous Stars and Stripes, framed by stage curtains. George C. Scott's General Patton strides into view, as if emerging from the flag itself and reminds his troops that "no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country; he won it by making the other poor bastard die for his country". Even Mark Latham couldn't match the invective that follows. Two things: I could. But now I choose not to. It may be news to Barber but I cut the crudity the moment I snared the top job. What a vicious little cunt he is. |
| Money for ducks |
| 01.03.04 (6:08 pm) [edit] |
|
Those of you who have read this blog from its inception will know of my affection for ducks. They are a constant source of wonder, inspiration and solace. In fact, if not for those cute little fells, I really don't think I would have made it this far! (Of course no one else knows of this aspect of my character. It never gets expressed except here on this blog. The reason? Because the hacks - who all hate my guts - are determined to portray me as a boofhead and bovver boy. So they all conspire to keep it a secret. Pricks!) Anyway, I recently received an e-mail form a fellow duck lover. He told me that he had started a charity for homeless ducks, and would I like to contribute somehow? Seeing that I was reaching many readers (more than a few of them from overseas) I thought, why not take advantage of that? So, that little Paypal logo down there is my way of doing some good for a little known cause - a way of "civilising global capital" if you like. Any funds you send will not go to me, but to a fellow traveller determined to improve the lot of our cute feathered friends. Please give. The ducks need you. |
| Back into it |
| 01.03.04 (4:02 pm) [edit] |
|
G'day readers. I'm starting to get back into the swing of things again. Had a top time over in the west. It was very useful to see how Geoff Gallup runs the joint and discuss policy with the Labor crowd over there. And I met some of the cutest little ducks! I'm particularly glad to have had some good chin-wags with Carmen Lawrence. She made quite a mark on me. She's no oil painting, that's for sure, but she's a substantial sheila with passionate views! For some reason she's convinced that I'm seen by women voters as a misogynist. I asked, "What, because of the 'skanky ho' thing?" "No, no - not that," she said dismissively. Then she added that Albrechtsen wasn't just a "skanky ho", but a... Er, actually I'd better not repeat it. But it was quite a colourful description. I'm no wuss, but I've got to say I found the term a tad offensive. When she'd stopped foaming at the mouth I asked her to elaborate on this sexism-perception thing. She said that I'm too "blokey", and that I need "reconstructing". There were a few other terms in there, like "compassion", "tolerance" and "metrosexual". So, I went away and had a bit of a think about what she'd said. Then I came back and told Carmen I had just the thing to win over the women of Australia: full legal rights to gay and lesbians couples. Carmen was very happy indeed. She said it wasn't exactly what she'd hoped for, but it was certainly a "step in the left direction". So I sent out a press release just yesterday. And the hacks are running with it. So, to all the chicks, babes and spunkrats of Australia: I'm not sexist at all. See, I really do care. (By the way, this doesn't mean that I've now become a pillow biter, okay?) |
| Archives missing |
| 01.02.04 (1:39 am) [edit] |
|
G'day readers. I've just noticed that while the technicians who run this joint were out celebrating over the last few days, they let all my archives from last year out of their cyber-cages. Being rebellious and stir-crazy like their creator, they went walkabout! But don't worry, I found the little buggers and managed to coax them back. They're now here. (And there's a permalink to the left: "Posts from beginning".) |