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About this blog:
This is the place for the real Mark Latham; the Mark Latham who toiled his clacker off in grinding poverty to become dux of his school; the Mark Latham who built his own ladder of opportunity, then scaled it himself with buggerall help from anybody else (er, except full-on legend and mentor Gough Whitlam - Dad, I love ya!); the Mark Latham who is mad as hell, and isn't gonna take it anymore - particularly from the Yanks and their pop-cultural, celluloid imperialism!
So, to all my readers from all over the joint: If you want to know the watered-down, official, media-friendly "Latham Lite" then watch me on the box, read about me in the press, go to the ALP website, etc. But if you want to know what I'm really thinking and feeling then keep coming back here, alright?
And please give a few bob if you can spare it. (It's for the ducks, not me.)
Chicks are forever hurling themselves at me (did you know Rachel Ward has a shrine to me in her bedroom?). But if you're not so lucky with the opposite sex, you might want to have a squizz at the sites below. For every sign-up, an orphaned duck finds a new home.
Here are some other sites you might want to have a perve at:
Lest any Tory bastard say that because I'm a socialist I'm entirely against earning a few extra bob, here's a link to the world's largest online classified ad service.
Below is a Seppo outfit. (But it's not bad, apparently.)
Click here to buy posters!
(You never know. They might even have one of me!)
Are you majorly shat off about something? Chockas with existential angst? Or do you just want to talk to someone you know cares big time? Then send your "Dear Mark" letter to: arselicker-kicker at loveable.com (Donations are not mandatory, but they are appreciated.)
 Web Hosting & Domain Registration |
Remember that duck guy I was telling you about? Yeah, well, he's asked me to put a list of traffic exchanges up on my blog.
The bloke's a bit of a dipstick, but considering all the good work he's done for my beaky brothers, I said yes.
Here they are:
Traffic Swarm
Web Biz Insider
Clicks Matrix
Traffic Project
Clickin' Fingers
Pro Hits Plus
Stock Traffic
Funny Farm Traffic
Hit Safari
Traffic Roundup
Weblog Directory - Directory of blogs from all around the world.
Click here to make money doing online surveys!
| Skanky ho's really pushing it this time |
| 12.30.03 (7:56 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, that skanky ho just doesn't know when to stop. Now she's having a go at me for the way I dealt with the bloody Turnbull case! It's full of the usual adjectival foppery we've come to expect from The Oz. (Also, there's a line in there about an "annus mirabilis". And they say I'm the one with the bum obsession!) The ho asks, "Will the real Mark Latham stand up?" To which I say: Will the real Janet Albrechtsen fucking shut up? I mean she obviously hates my guts. So why doesn't she do the noble thing, get off her arse and get elected as a Liberal MP? If she did that we could duke it out during Question Time. But no, she doesn't, does she? She snipes at me from the sidelines knowing that I have no way to answer back except through this blog (which most people think is bullshit, by the way). Fuck. I'm brimming, I tell you. I'll need more than my usual ration of duck stories to keep me on track. It really is a bastard of a way to end 2003. But anyway, re that: I hope you all have a pearler of a bash tonight. See you next year, when I'll be back bigger, bolder and more bloody bonzer than ever! |
| My beans |
| 12.23.03 (5:52 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, when I think about what I've been through over the last few weeks I can't help but have a bit of a cack. Like, before I got the top job, the media couldn't stop quacking on about how foul-mouthed I was. Now, they're all gobsmacked that I'm Mr Bloody Serene. Here's an example of the pompous punditry being bandied about re my radical transformation (from today's Oz): Can this truly be the same person who for so long has railed against his perceived enemies, dismissing them as arse-lickers, skanky hos and brown-noses? Long-time Latham-watchers are unconvinced, yet it's clear the man once regarded even by friends as slightly mad is determined to be slow to anger. It's the talk of the town in Canberra, I tell you. Some of the hacks reckon that the truer and bluer Latham of the past was the construction - a way of winning the hearts, minds and balls of the battler-electorate. But anyone close to me knows that is the real me: fair dinkum to the bloody core! And anyone who has read this blog knows that I haven't changed at all. In fact, this is what is keeping me sane - and serene. And you know the fucking funniest thing? A lot of people (hacks especially) think that it's this blog that's bullshit! Go to Crikey! and you'll see what I mean. See the December 7th entry. They say this is written by some "mischievous Liberal". Crikey, alright. Surely they can't all be that bloody stupid. Surely some will twig that it's dinkum. And surely others will eventually follow suit. But knowing how spinelessly conformist hacks are, I'll bet that even if they do, they won't divulge that knowledge to the public. The entire press gallery kept that secret about Gareth shagging Cheryl for bloody years, after all. (And ironically it was Crikey! that spilled the beans. So, who's going to spill my beans? I wonder....) |
| Who the hell am I? |
| 12.22.03 (4:10 pm) [edit] |
|
G'day readers. The internet being a global medium and all, I realise that many of you are not from the bonzer land of Oz. And so you might be wondering: who is this prick? Well, I'll point you to the "my offical home" link at left. There you'll learn all about yours truly, my pearler of a party and its shit-hot policies. You'll discern quite a gap between the vocab I use there as opposed to here. And you might find it a tad jarring. The reason? Well, at that joint over there, I have to conform to the tight-arse bloody conventions of the power elite. But being a westie battler from way back it's really not my style. Still, if I don't comply I've got fuck-all chance of becoming Prime Minister. So, this is the place for the real Mark Latham. The Mark Latham who toiled his clacker off in grinding poverty to become dux of his school; the Mark Latham who built his own fucking ladder of opportunity, then scaled it himself with absolutely fuck-all help from anybody else (er, except full-on legend and mentor Gough Whitlam - Dad, I love ya!); the Mark Latham who is mad as hell, and isn't gonna take it anymore - particularly from the Yanks and their pop-cultural fucking imperialism! So, to all my readers from all over the joint: If you want to know the watered-down, official, media-friendly "Latham Lite" then watch me on the box, read about me in the press, go to the ALP website, etc. But if you want to know what I'm really thinking and feeling then keep coming back here, alright? |
| Feeling even testier |
| 12.18.03 (11:45 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, the Mad Monk and his fellow nancy boys are really pushing it. Look at the comment boxes below. You'll see why. Hey fellas, I know you're really having a ball with the bag gags, but they really are past their use-by dates. To be quite honest, I've just about had a nut full. Okay, so I only have one testicle. Deal with it. I have. Follow my example and show a bit of bloody class, will you? |
| Word-wank |
| 12.18.03 (2:48 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, what is it about The Oz that brings out the Inner Tosser in just about every hack who works there? Greg Sheridan came up with "quotidian pornography" only a few days ago. Now, devious oldster Frank Devine has used "sartorially anomolous" in a description of yours truly! Well, while they're prancing petulantly about in their frilly-necked shirts, fucking thesaurii at the ready, I 'll offer my own poncy phrase to describe their writing: adjectival foppery. Prolix bloody plonkers. |
| Re: No policies? |
| 12.17.03 (7:14 pm) [edit] |
|
In the post below you'll see a comment from the Mad Monk himself. Now this is a perfect illustration of why we need to cut back on super. I mean, this wanker is getting paid mountains of your bloody moolah (with shitloads more for when he retires) and what does he do when he's at his desk? Post snippy comments to my weblog! It's fucking obscene! |
| No policies? |
| 12.17.03 (6:21 pm) [edit] |
|
For all the negative bastards who say the Australian Labor Party has buggerall policies, you should have a look at our bonzer plan to cut back pollies' super. (Here's some info on it.) Stick that up your arses and smoke it, naysayers! Also, a postscript to my reaction to the Saddam capture: The hacks were all saying that I was in lockstep with the Arselicker in welcoming the news. But it wasn't quite that simple. See, I said it was great that this titanic turd had finally been nabbed, and then added that I'd beat the crap out of him if I ever got the chance. Now did the Arselicker say that? Of course not. Wouldn't have had the guts. But the hacks carefully omitted this bit, didn't they. So now I'm on record as being a Howard-clone re Saddam! Arseholes. |
| Complex bastard |
| 12.17.03 (6:55 am) [edit] |
|
People are always surprised at how bloody complex and multi-fucking-faceted I am. For instance, did you know that as well as being the Leader of the Australian Labor Party, major headkicker, top root, balls-to-the-wall thinker and duck lover, I am also a damn talented muso? No? Well I am. Look here and you'll see. Okay, it's not really me. Still, the description is appropriate. "Latham rocks!" Does he ever! |
| Bloody busy |
| 12.13.03 (5:20 pm) [edit] |
|
Right cobbers, I'll be working my ring off over the next few days, so I probably won't post any blogs during that time. So, just as I'll be sticking it to the major suckholes in my world, I urge you all to do the same to the many minor suckholes in yours. See you when things aren't so bloody frantic. |
| Message heard! |
| 12.12.03 (4:46 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, I'm feeling bloody bonzer. My new vision for Labor is really taking shape, and I'm getting the message out to the hacks. (And lo and fucking behold, they actually seem to be listening!) The basic message is: I'll whop the rungs back up there, people. And then you'll all get to scale them again (not over the backs of other bastards, but!). So, don't be a wuss and get stuck in! I thought maybe we should create a slogan along the lines of "It's Time!". You know, something like: "Lacker's no slacker. So, get stuck in like him, or whop it up yer clacker!" Yeah, I know. Not quite there yet. Might have a word to my bonzer mates in the arts community to see what they can do to spruce it up a tad. Still, things are definitely looking up. Hey! There's another slogan: "Things are looking up - looking up that ladder of opportunity..." Nah. Needs more work. What I need is an advertising guru to give me some pointers. What's that fellow Phillip Adams up to now? He created that "Life. Be in it." campaign, didn't he? I'll get on the blower to him and see what he reckons. You never know, I might be able to lure him back out of retirement... |
| Chalk and cheese! |
| 12.11.03 (4:49 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, that comparison Champagne Charlie made between Bartlett and me really shat me off. And when the dancing bears in the press all ran with it without criticism I was on the brink, I tell you! But apart from the fact that that was then, this is now - something I keep repeating but no-one seems to hear - there are heaps of differences between what Bartlett and I did. One: That cabbie was a bloke. Ferris is a sheila. As Carmen keeps telling me, violence against women is just not on! Two: Ferris is an oldster. That cabbie was pretty much a whippersnapper. So it was a fair fight. Three: Bartlett was stonkered. I was only mildly shit-faced. (And I'd paid for my plonk, I might add. The fact that he was abusing the old dear at taxpayers' expense - and the Libs' portion of it, to boot - made the incident all the more bloody disgraceful.) Four: I tackled the cabbie fair and square. Retrieved my moolah, and that was the end of the matter. But Bartlett's harassment went on and on. And there was a lot of verbal abuse, too. That kind of vicious hectoring can really get to you, especially if you're elderly. I imagine that she'll probably need counselling for the rest of her days, poor love. (Some people have said that the cabbie hasn't worked since the incident. But I saw him interviewed and he doesn't seem that concerned. In fact he, even seems pleased that he now has time to smell the roses, contemplate where he's heading in life. So, I've actually done him a service.) Five: Bartlett had a much easier life than me. And these mitigating factors are just the start. I could easily go on. It's clear to any sane person that the comparison between the two incidents is vicious, petty, opportunistic, self-deluded and deeply personal. Now, am I any of these things? |
| Running scared! |
| 12.10.03 (4:24 pm) [edit] |
|
These hacks are bloody funny, you know that. See what Poncy Greg Sheridan says about me today. It's the usual tory shite about manners and decency, and how I'm lowering "standards" - whatever the hell they are! And it contains one of the most pompous phrases of all-time, "quotidian pornography". Ha! What the fuck is that? He keeps whingeing about my "rage". Yeah, well, I'm proud of it, mate. As Dad has always said to me, "Maintain the rage!" Why? Because it works. Look at the poll results. And see how Abbott and Costello are just packing death. Hey, poncy Greg. No one gives a tinker's about what you and your kind have to say anymore! "Quotidian pornography." What a tosser. |
| Bloody nicknames |
| 12.10.03 (3:46 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, all these bloody nicknames are really stacking up. I might have to hire a full-time archivist to keep track of them. Here's another: "Lord of the Rungs". Well, at least it's got a bit of wit. My only criticism: Sounds too much like how Kiwi director Peter Jackson pronounced the film itself. So, the effect is watered down a tad. Still, not a bad effort mate. |
| Feeling testy |
| 12.10.03 (3:16 am) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, people don't know how bloody difficult it is being me. I've had to cope with the emotional rollercoaster of actually winning this new gig, pulling the party together, preventing a bloodbath over my election, parrying the vicious blows of Champagne Charlie Costello and his poncy little pal the Mad Monk - not to mention wearing bucketloads of shit from the ex. But worse than that there's been all this below-the-belt humour about my cod deficit. I mean, fuck, some of the nicknames I've heard (and read) being used for me are just shockin'! There's "Oddball", "One Nad Lad", and "Knacker Lacker" to name a few. I'm sure that before long there'll be a whole plethora of solo scrote gags doing the rounds, and maybe a song along the lines of that one they had about Hitler! Well, I say to these people: you're bloody obsessed! If there's any karmic justice you'll all get the sack. |
| I forgot! |
| 12.08.03 (5:16 am) [edit] |
|
The planned suckhole-smacking session will have to wait. I just remembered: I'm heading to Tassie tomorrow. Still, it should be fun. There are heaps of ducks there, apparently. |
| Peter's past it |
| 12.08.03 (4:33 am) [edit] |
Fair dinkum, Suckhole Number Two is really pushing it. Comparing my much regretted altercation with a cab driver years ago and Bartlett's disgraceful display of last week was way beyond the pale - particularly this bit: "It's an interesting juxtaposition. I heard Mr Latham say yesterday that he would sack a frontbencher who behaved like that. Which frontbencher do you think he might have had in mind? Himself?" As I said earlier, that's typical Costello: always thinking about the past. Latham, on the other hand, is always thinking of the future - namely tomorrow, when I get another chance to deck the bastard. So Pete - and Tony as well, while I'm at it - if either of you are reading this, how about it, eh? Abbott, Costello... who's on first? |
| Arses |
| 12.07.03 (6:16 pm) [edit] |
|
It has come to my attention that many of the bonzer people of this pearler of a country think I have some kind of anal fixation. Well, that's crap, and I'll be working my bum off to prove it! And re that: Some reckon I've gone arse-about on my policy towards the US because I called the PM an arse-licker, then proceeded to do some arse-licking myself. But there was a difference. See, Howard grovelled totally, but I just reaffirmed our ties with that nation while retaining the right to disagree. So, Howard is an arse-licker. But I am an arse-liker. (Not that kind of arse-liker by the way... Er, not that there's anything wrong with it. Each to his own.) And while I'm on the subject of homosexuality: Latham's Labor is keen to re-affirm ties with the gay male community, and to bring it back into the fold... er, just not that fold. That's something an arse-licker might try. So, in summary: Howard is an arse-licker, I'm an arse-liker. And Bob Brown? Well, he's an arse-piker! |
| More crap about yours truly |
| 12.07.03 (5:16 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, is the media in this country up shit creek or what? Like, here some tragic hack wrote: New Labor leader Mark Latham has described Democrat counterpart Andrew Bartlett's aggressive behaviour as "unfortunate" and recommended the senator spend some quality time with his family. Fuck! They make me out to be some sort of touchy-feely wuss, or something. What I meant by "unfortunate" was that Bartlett's attack was piss-weak. Me? I would've decked the old cow. And those "issues" I said he needs to sort out? Well, his stance for one. If you look at the video you'll see he's off balance right from the start. (And that's not just the booze talking, either.) How can you properly deck anyone if you're so totally on the back foot? Still, Carmen and some of the other sheilas have advised me that it's probably best that the misapprehension remains. So I won't be correcting it publicly. |
| Ducks |
| 12.05.03 (1:29 am) [edit] |
| [url=http://www.bekkoame.ne.jp/~misuzu/images/duck.jpeg]Here's[/url] a duck. See what I mean? |
| Re: "Big school" |
| 12.05.03 (1:13 am) [edit] |
|
One of my assistants just advised me that the Arselicker is in Nigeria. So, no wonder he didn't front at lunchtime. (But I'll bet he wouldn't have anyway, even if he was here! Wuss.) Still, it was nice down by the [url=http://www.frogandtoad.com.au...]lake[/url]. I fed the ducks. I like ducks. Ducks are cute. (That's why every night I say to Janine, "Tell, me about the ducks! Tell me about the ducks!" She does, and the pressure in my head goes away.) |
| "Big school" |
| 12.05.03 (12:27 am) [edit] |
|
The Arselicker's line about [url=http://www.smh.com.au/article...]"big school"[/url] really shat me. "Big school." Like I'm not as mature as him or something. Fuck! I was brimming all morning, I tell you. So you know what I did? Left him a note on his desk. It read, "You and me. Lunchtime. Down by the lake. Bring your mate Abbott if you like. I'll deck you both." Guess what? I fronted. He didn't, of course. Gutless old turd. |
| Re: Re: Skanky ho's at it again |
| 12.05.03 (12:07 am) [edit] |
|
A couple of posts back I said I concurred with the skanky ho's assessment of feminists not knowing what women really want. I take that back. Carmen and a few of the other Labor women took me aside, had a few words to me. Set me straight on the matter. That's why I wore that Emily's List badge. (I still don't know who the fuck Emily actually [i]is[/i]. But I'm sure she's a top sort.) |
| Rough week |
| 12.04.03 (4:54 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, this new gig is a shitload harder than I thought it was going to be! Thank fuck I've got this blog to release my tensions. It's actually very therapeutic. (I know that sounds a bit wussy. But don't worry, I'm not going to get all touchy-feely and New Age on you. It's just that all this extra scrutiny is really getting to me. I need to work off more than the usual build-up of steam.) Like last night, when Kerry O'brien was having a go at me. Fuck, but did I want to rearrange that bastard's face! (Which actually might have been a community service when you think about it. He's not exactly a pretty critter now is he? A few deft blows to that lumpy spud-like bonce of his might have made him a tad less fugly.) What really shat me was that he just kept harping on that point about how I'd flip-flopped on my opinion of America. Wouldn't let go of it. Talk about an abuse of taxpayer's money! Fair dinkum, those ABC nancy boys shit me big time. They think that when Labor wins at the next election their jobs will be more secure than they now are under the Arselicker. Well, they should think again... But regarding this alleged flip-flopping, and the constant whining about it from the press gallery. Can't the hacks see that it's just me showing my feminine side? It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, after all. Same for the Leader of the Opposition. |
| Re: Skanky ho is at it again |
| 12.03.03 (9:46 pm) [edit] |
|
I've just finished Albrechtsen's article. It's not bad, actually. (No "Arthur or Martha" gags, or I'll fucking deck you, alright!) |
| Skanky ho is at it again |
| 12.03.03 (9:21 pm) [edit] |
|
That Janet Albrechtsen really shits me. Why News keeps her on the payroll is utterly beyond me. [url=http://www.theaustralian.news...,5744,8046977%5E7583,00.html]"Feminists don't know what women want"[/url] reads the title. Well, neither do I, actually. But I can tell you for certain what that Albrechtsen woman [i]needs[/i]: a swift kick to the head, that's what! |
| Crap about yours truly |
| 12.03.03 (8:54 pm) [edit] |
|
Fair dinkum, I knew that my rise to the top job had stirred up a lot of emotion, but I had no idea of the extent of it. I just did a search of the internet and came up with a whole plethora of pundits who'd spilled torrents of bullshit about me. Take this rooster Greg Craven. [url=http://www.theage.com.au/arti...]Here[/url] he compares me with Jeff Kennet, then another famous criminal, saying that I've "attracted more controversy than Chopper Read". [i]Chopper Read?[/i] Piss off! We're like chalk and cheese, me and him. (And the guy's weak [i]as[/i]. I'd deck him in a second.) |
| G'day |
| 12.03.03 (6:09 pm) [edit] |
|
G'day to all the readers out there. It may seem odd that the new Leader of the Opposition has just started his own blog. I have many avenues of expressing my views, after all. I'm in no need for any extra media exposure. If you've been watching the tele lately you'd know that my ugly mug has been all over it, 24/7 for the past week! But I still feel frustrated by the political process and the culture of Canberra. The way all the other pollies talk really makes my blood boil. (Kim might call them "prolix". I call them wankers.) Of course, there's no use complaining about it. I've got the top job, and have to accept that I must behave more "appropriately". I did recently vow to cut the crudity. I will keep that vow, and will feign respect for the Arselicker and his conga line in all day-to-day dealings with them - and the media, for that matter. But when I sit in front of my PC and connect to the internet it's a different matter. This blog will be a place to relieve my frustrations and say what I really think about the issues of the day. Blogging is also in keeping with my philosophy. It seems to me to be a very egalitarian means of communication for one such as myself who is passionate about ideas. It's also top fun - definitely a major bonus. So, to my first post: I was glad that my line about the ladder of opportunity having its rungs removed was picked up by the press. That's what I'm here to do: Replace the metaphorical rungs for ordinary, aspirational Australians. And I'll work my blurter off to do it! But I've got to say that during Question Time, when that smarmy sleazebag suckhole Costello was having a go at me, I was not exactly in a rung replacing mood. Quite the contrary! I wish I'd had a real ladder handy. I would have ripped out one of its rungs for sure, and rammed it right in that pompous prick's right eye! Just stopping myself from flooring that bastard took a shitload of effort, fair dinkum. And that line about me not knowing if I was "Arthur or Martha"! Fuck, was I ever close to losing it then? Any more provocation and the honourable members assembled wouldn't have known if he was unconscious or dead! Fair dinkum. He doesn't know how lucky he was. |